Depression Part Deux...

For those reading:....DO NOT PANIC!!!! This is an old post transferred from Myspace.com from last year.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


depression...

Current mood: depressed

Category: Life

I spent almost the entire week confined to my apartment. After the lockout ended, my mood started to dip down almost as deep as when Nicky died. I am at the point where everything is at risk now. My job. Everything. I go back, I get fired. I've already been suspended so I know I'm in deep shit for calling out again, even though I'm using FMLA, which has been helpful. I am starting to feel better but I know I need help now. I think I'm going to get some help once and for all and take a leave of absence from a job that doesn't really want me back anyway. During the lockout, even though I lost a few days pay, I felt something out on that picket line I never felt before. A feeling of solidarity with everyone I was out on the line with. It's like something inside of me changed. I went back to work for one day after the lockout and I can't look at my coworkers the same way. Most of them took the boss's advice and stayed away. As for the contract we fought for, I heard it's not that great. They're voting on it today. I can't bring myself to go back there. The idea of going back there gives me severe anxiety and panic attacks, which are back fast and furious, which is why I know I need help. The stuff they're giving me isn't helping me anymore. I start to feel lightheaded, as if I'm going to faint, but I know that's not the case. I feel like I'm about to crash and burn, which is what's about to happen anyway. I know I'm not alone and that I have friends but no one outside of my family knows how deeply the pain I feel is because Nicky's gone. I have tears rolling down my face as I write this because it is so hard for me to do. Nicky drove me nuts but that's what little brothers are supposed to do. I know he loved all of us and dying wasn't his decision to make. He wasn't afraid of it but he didn't want it either. For the most part, we've gone on with our lives and I'm trying to get on with mine. Like Stephanie Miller (my favorite talk show host), I'm an elderly shut-in, old maid, spinster (lol), no not really, I'm 36, she's 47 and has 2 dogs. I just exist alone in my own apartment. with this computer and the XM radio to keep me company. Can't have pets in this rent controlled apartment building.

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