Was it a mistake?

To return to a hostile place in my life? I have been through hell and back this year. I return to work after a leave of absence and the newness has worn off only to more hostility in the workplace. It may have been a mistake but it pays the bills. And much needed health insurance. A coworker made a comment that I am responsible for most of the stress brought on by myself. Ok, am I responsible for my brother's death? No, but do blame any one person? No, I blame the system but that's a whole other journal entry. Am I to blame for being harassed on the job because of defending myself and doing the right thing? No, I don't think so. The person involved has the common sense of a Matchbox car. I'm supposed to take responsibility for that? Again, no. Hell no. They probably think I'm calling out today. Guess what? They're fucking wrong. I'm not running away. I'm gonna be there every day unless they let me go. And that will be with a bang. The same way I got there. Kicking ass and taking names.

Bill Press is a Liberal

One small correction. Bill Press is liberal, not centrist. In reference to an article written in Toronto Star. http://thestar.blogs.com/davidolive/2010/

Afternoon in the Park

I never realized how peaceful sitting in the park could be. You're relaxed, no worries, etc Sitting in the park facing a baseball field where your nephews and nieces either played or currently play for a team. Simple joys for a simple voice. You find shade, you listen to your walkman, CD player, Ipod, or whatever and you're in your own world.

Firing your psychiatrist....

Tonight I was at a mental health support group meeting and they usually have guest speakers. Tonight's guest suggested firing your psychiatrist. Well. Dude. Easier said than done. Some people who have mental illness only have Medicaid. And not a lot of doctors will take it because the reimbursement rates are so low. That limits the person to mental health centers publicly funded. And mental health services aren't cheap. I've been on both sides. Uninsured, where I had to pay sliding scale fee to see a community mental health psychiatrist/nurse practitioner and a private doctor, who I still see while paying COBRA rates for health insurance because I made too much money (before health care reform. Haven't tried again yet.) to be Medicaid eligible. Not everyone is that lucky. With all due respect, buddy. You're in my county not in another part of the state where people are wealthier. They don't have your resources. That have to take what they can get. It sucks but it's their reality. And mine.

Since I left them behind...

I had friends at my old job. Now that I'm not there, it's like I no longer exist. One person left the job and doesn't even trust me enough to tell me where she works. That's not a friend. Not a true one. True friends trust you. This one isn't true. One so called friend ratted me out to the boss for being too sarcastic and nasty. The last 2 years were almost constant harassment. One person lied about her nationality. She pretended to be from Trinidad when she was really Indian. I don't know why she had to lie. I guess she wanted to be accepted and couldn't be herself. One person forwarded a personal email to the human resources department. This is all because I told the truth of how my boss violated patient confidentiality. In retaliation, she had me suspended and eventually fired but not before she resigned herself. She is also responsible for my coworkers harassing me. She knew and did nothing. Other higher ups knew and did nothing also. And they wondered why I stayed out so much. No one wanted me there. Now no one keeps in touch with me. And if I try I am like a burden. Even someone who I thought was a friend is now conveniently too busy for me. Truth is, one person is going through their own situation so that one person I will let slide. Who wants to deal with someone who may no longer be able to be a productive member of society without having a breakdown every three months. You're only good enough when you're there. Now you no longer exist to them. It hurts and it's lonely. I miss my friends or rather the people they used to be. Or one or two in particular.

Census and taxes, oh my...

Making my first serious attempt to go back to work. Took the census test tonight. Now it's a wait and see thing. Tax time again. Received amended W2 in the mail yesterday. Not a happy camper. I file every year like a good little citizen I am and people make stupid mistakes. Your paperwork and bookkeeping skills need serious improvement, Payroll and Accounting. Be happy I'm not the obedient, compliant soul who used to work there. If I were I would be giving people new body orifices (figuratively, not literally...) please don't get nervous, reader. This writer is not that unhinged. Again, LOL.

Writings from a Hospital Ward...

I was hospitalized last summer for almost two weeks. Here are my thoughts and feelings during that time. This is no reflection on how I feel now. I just wanted to get this out there...

July 7, 2009

What happened to me...and where I've been...

On June 28, 2009, I tried to commit suicide. The reason I did it is still unclear to me. I just know my mind changed drastically when I lost my brother Nick to Leukemia on January 30, 2009. I stopped caring about everything, including myself. I let myself get evicted by not paying the rent, which I've never done before. I started to call out more from my job and practically destroy that. It didn't help that my reputation with my job is shoddy at best. I'm a college graduate with a relatively decent union job and I almost ruin that as well.

All I want to know is why I did what I did. One of my sisters asked me why I did what I did. All I can say is that I don't know why I did it. One of my brothers tells me that my mind isn't right. My family seems (at the time I initially wrote this, last summer) to agree with this assessment. Something snapped inside me. I'm not violent and I don't want to hurt myself. Not anymore. I'm supposed to leave the hospital tomorrow and I'm supposed to feel safe. I leave here, I'm no longer safe. I can get hurt again. I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle in my life.

People say I'm lucky. Lucky? To leave the hospital, sure. But aren't you supposed to go to a safer environment? Where's my safe environment? Where I have to depend on people after taking care of myself for most of my life. Do I lose my independence? What happens to me? Will I get my old life back? Being the single independent my family thought I was? Am I turning out to be a fraud?

To be continued...