Writings from a Hospital Ward...

I was hospitalized last summer for almost two weeks. Here are my thoughts and feelings during that time. This is no reflection on how I feel now. I just wanted to get this out there...

July 7, 2009

What happened to me...and where I've been...

On June 28, 2009, I tried to commit suicide. The reason I did it is still unclear to me. I just know my mind changed drastically when I lost my brother Nick to Leukemia on January 30, 2009. I stopped caring about everything, including myself. I let myself get evicted by not paying the rent, which I've never done before. I started to call out more from my job and practically destroy that. It didn't help that my reputation with my job is shoddy at best. I'm a college graduate with a relatively decent union job and I almost ruin that as well.

All I want to know is why I did what I did. One of my sisters asked me why I did what I did. All I can say is that I don't know why I did it. One of my brothers tells me that my mind isn't right. My family seems (at the time I initially wrote this, last summer) to agree with this assessment. Something snapped inside me. I'm not violent and I don't want to hurt myself. Not anymore. I'm supposed to leave the hospital tomorrow and I'm supposed to feel safe. I leave here, I'm no longer safe. I can get hurt again. I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle in my life.

People say I'm lucky. Lucky? To leave the hospital, sure. But aren't you supposed to go to a safer environment? Where's my safe environment? Where I have to depend on people after taking care of myself for most of my life. Do I lose my independence? What happens to me? Will I get my old life back? Being the single independent my family thought I was? Am I turning out to be a fraud?

To be continued...