Two Years Later...RIP NIcky 2-13-78 to 1-30-09

Dear Nicky,

     Today I write to you to tell you how I am and the rest of us. We're all getting along in our lives and there is one hole in our hearts that can never be filled again. Your loss changed the course of our lives, especially mine, as I changed completely. No more Bayonne Medical Center. They did me a favor and let me go. I'm glad they did because you gave me the courage to find myself and finally figure out who I was and why I was so unhappy and miserable in my life. It turned out to be the job and my life in general. Since you've been gone I have been in the hospital three times after trying to hurt myself since losing you was so painful and I felt so alone at times. No one in the family is to blame for what happened to me. I'm just getting older and the hormones and the brain chemicals are changing inside me and the meds stopped working. Since October of 2010, I have been involved in the Intensive Day Treatment Program at Jersey City Medical Center and it changed my entire outlook on life. I am, however, unable to work full time since I got Social Security. But that's ok. I am now volunteering at the program I am a patient at and I am better than ever. You would be so proud of me. However, my medical records "career" is over. I'm done with the stress and bullshit. Hopefully I will be working in New York City at a Barnes and Noble soon. Another thing about me that we never had a chance to discuss and I'm sorry I didn't know this before you left us is that I'm bisexual. I don't know if you would have accepted this but so far, the rest of the family has. I consider myself lucky. Our family has turned out to be the beacon in my life. I also left Sherman Place and I live in the attic apartment in another part of Jersey City because living there without you was so painful. I am now happy, still single but that's ok too, and finally coming full circle.
      For the first time in a very long time, the person that I was as a kid is coming back. Just Friday night I hung out with Tony, Colleen and the kids and we all sang along to Green Day songs (Green Day reminds us of you).
     Britney is doing ok too. She's in Bailey now and they can't get over how much she looks like you. Linda and Jessica miss you like crazy. We all do. Until next year, take care of everyone we know who's with you and we'll talk again. I love you and miss you always...

xoxo

Susie....

Day After Loss Part Deux

24 hours later
Still angry
But it is starting to subside
Tears are gone though
Back in mourning
Don't have many close friends
Thought this one was for life
This isn't the first time
I was wrong
And will not be the last
This heart remains broken and battered
People wonder why I don't let many people in
This is why, guys and gals
No one will ever hurt me again

Reliving a Broken Heart

Didn't think you had the power
To hurt me again
Never thought you could break
My heart again
Why couldn't you tell me yourself?
Why did she tell me instead of you?
Because you couldn't tell me yourself.
This time hurting me may not have been your intention
But it did.
Been crying for an hour
Old anger is back
Didn't think old hurts could come back
But tonight it did.
Red and swollen eyes
Running nose
Fire in the gut
Unexplained anger
Makes you want to resort to old habits
But you don't
No pills
No razor blades
No alcohol
Why?
Because you are not worth that pain.
No one is worth causing that type of heartache or sorrow
That you can inflict on innocent bystanders
Or those that love you.

Saturday Night Blues

All alone on a Saturday night
Flirting wth Disaster on TV
Waiting for something new
To come my way

Loneliness
Leading to the beginning of a new life
New location
New love (here's to hoping)
New job
New friends

Here's to missing...
Old life...
Old job?
Hell no!!
They made you miserable
And most pretended to like you
And then proved to be phony
Pushing you to the side
When it wasn't convenient for them
To be seen with you
Or speak to you anymore.
Old location?
Just where I grew up but even that is gone since that was sold.
All the original neighbors went their separate ways.
Old love?
Just an ex who moved on with someone who makes him happy therefore I'm happy he's happy...
Mourning that was so 3 years ago.

Tonight I'm alone
It makes me reflect on days gone by
For no other reason than hearing songs that remind me of past and present.
And hopefully a new future

To the one that goes on about petty things...

Friday night
Alone again...
This is torture
This is pain
Migraine
Listening to insanity
Blah blah blah
I have my problems too
We all do
You have a man or woman in your life
I don't
He or she may be a pain in the ass
Consider yourself lucky
Some people would give their eyeteeth
To have someone in their life..

Reflections of Independence Days Past....

Tomorrow, the brother this post is about turns 30. I feel old... in the meantime, read and reflect...

Friday, July 04, 2008


Reflections of Independence Days Past July 4, 1980

Current mood: nostalgic

Category: Life

I chose this particular day to reflect upon for a reason. Today is my youngest brother Ralph's birthday. He was born 28 years ago on a Friday morning in the living room of our childhood home in Bayonne. Our mother went into labor very quickly and didn't even make it out of the house before my brother who was anxious to make his appearance upon this earth. He just couldn't wait to get out and see the world, which is how he is today.

I tend to remember the details because I remember wanting to see my mother and my older sister kept me in our parents' room not letting me out to see the action. I remember being very upset and mad until I was allowed to see my new baby brother. I remember the first time I finally got to see him. I think it was one of the EMT's from McCabe's who wrapped him up in a white blanket and let me look at him. His big brown eyes opened up and stared right at me. Those eyes are just as wide today as they were 28 years ago.

Because he was born on our nation's 204th birthday, the delivery was mentioned in the local papers of the day, the Jersey Journal, and the now non existent Hudson Dispatch before it merged with the Jersey Journal because he was delivered at 8:25 in the morning by paramedics according to the papers (this is again by memory).

Today, that big brown eyed baby boy is a married father of three boys, his youngest being an almost replica of himself. Same wide eyes and smile. Happy Birthday Ralphie. With love from your sister Susie!

Sue :-) Never forget anything that makes you smile.

Expansion of Self

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Expansion of self...

Current mood: determined

Category: Writing and Poetry

Over the last year, I have been through some major changes in my life as mentioned in previous blogs. More recently I am realizing the kind of person I want to be and how I want to live the rest of my life. One thing I do know is that I've become much stronger and more independent.

One of my passions, as many of my close friends know, is politics. Or to be more precise, Democratic politics. Yes, I'm a Democrat! Because of my affiliation with the board of elections, I do not publicly endorse any candidate on the local or national level. If you know me well, you know which way I lean on much if not all of the issues. I tend to spend weeknights after 10 pm ET listening to Mike Malloy. He is one crazy liberal but I love him. He plays on XM 167 Air America aka America Left on XM Satellite Radio or you can listen to the online stream at www.mikemalloy.com. When I get out of work, I catch the last 90 minutes of Randi Rhodes, also on the same station. She's on from 3p-6p and she's just as outspoken. Check my top friends for their profiles. Out of curiousity, I've listened to the right wing talk shows just to see what the fuss is about. I think most of them are ignorant and just plain idiotic, who conform to the status quo.

Longer blog tonight, yes, but a lot on the mind and not much to do with it. If you get a chance give them a listen.

Sue :-) Never forget anything that makes you smile.